A Drabble A Day
by Sherlock Emrys
Summary: ...Hopefully won't keep the Doctor away. A collection of drabbles, ficlets and one-shots set in the Whoniverse and using its characters. All humor, all K . New Chapter: Bleb And The Rani.
1. Chapter 1: Nebulizer

**AN: I've just started this habit of doing a Drabble a Day. I pick a word at random (or let the Online Dictionary do it) and write a small drabble for any fandom. The first one was Doctor Who, and actually so was the second. I'm going to post all Doctor Who ones together, so this won't be a daily update as I might pick other fandoms depending on the word. So all Merlin ones will go in a Merlin section, Sherlock in a Sherlock section and so on. They will all be humour, though, so don't worry. If you're still reading this, well done. Reviews are welcome :)**

Daily Word Drabbles

**Sat. 03 09 2011**

**Word: Nebulize **_**(To become vague or indistinct)**_

**Universe: Doctor Who**

**Characters: Eleventh Doctor, River, Amy & Rory**

'Argh!' A chorus of yells rang down the corridor as the four travellers sprinted towards the TARDIS, heads down and sheltering from the blasts that zapped over their heads and scorched the walls. The Doctor ran into the TARDIS- literally hitting the wall. He pushed open the door and held it as Rory pushed Amy past him and into the interior of the ship.

'In! Get in!' he yelled. 'River, come on!' The frizzy haired archaeologist was not getting in to the shelter. 'Come on! They'll get through that barrier any minute and then you'll be zapped by the killy-zappy-laser things!'

'Killy-zappy-laser things?' queried River as she drew her gun.

'Shut up, I'm under pressure. Logodaedaly is not easy at this point!' the Doctor yelled.

'Logo-what? Doctor, River, get in here!' Amy stuck her head out through the doors and frowned at the stalling couple. 'River, you are technically my daughter and I am going to… ground you or something if you don't get in here now!'

'How can you possibly ground me, iMum/i?' River asked.

'I don't know, I'll ask the TARDIS to lock you in your room or something.'

'Hey, how come you aren't threatening me?' the Doctor pouted.

'Because I would have thought you would have more sense, Mr All- Knowing Timelord! Now COME ON!'

River allowed herself to be drawn reluctantly inside the TARDIS. The Doctor was about to follow her when he paused.

'I've got it!' he cried.

'Got what? Doctor, move it!' Rory had appeared in the doorway now and was frowning with exasperation at their foolish friend.

'Nebulizers! That's what the guns are called!'

'Yeah, alright Doctor, can we imove/i now please?'

Further conversation was rendered impossible as the Hajfee broke through the barrier that the Doctor had created and shot straight at the TARDIS doors. Luckily, however, River had taken matters into her own hands and pulled the Doctor inside the ship, allowing Amy to slam the door just in time. The TARDIS, sensing that they had outstayed their welcome on Sidah Four, dematerialized.

The Doctor picked himself up off the floor and straightened his jacket.

'As I was saying,' he continued, 'Nebulizers.'

'And you know how?'

'Logodaedaly.'

'What's that, some super Timelord skill of telepathy or something?' asked Rory, who had got a C in English at GCSE.

'No, it's the ancient Timelord skill of making up words and being right.'

'So, he doesn't actually know what they are,' River elaborated.

'Cheek!' The Doctor looked affronted. 'I simply am not entirely familiar with every make of gun in the universe.'

'Pity,' River said. 'But at least I am.'

'You are not,' the Doctor cried.

'Of course I am! I can recognize, operate and disable every major weapon of every major species in this galaxy and at least three others.'

'Liar.'

'Prove it.'

'Yeah, OK, you two,' Amy interrupted. 'You can flirt later. Doctor, do you actually have any reason for naming those things nebulizers?'

'Yes.'

They waited.

'Oh, right, you wanted me to tell you! Sorry, sorry, humans are so imprecise, I don't know how you manage to conduct a decent conversation-'

'Doctor, you're stalling,' Amy pointed out.

'Am I? Well,' the Doctor dragged the word out as he looked for a way out of the situation. 'That is because… because I got hit by one.'

'You what? Doctor, we dragged you inside before the barrier broke.'

'No, I got clipped by the blast. And that is why they're called nebulizers!'

'Can Timelords go insane?' Amy asked River.

'Oh, he went insane a long time ago. Actually, I think it's a standard Timelord quality,' she replied.

'OI! I can hear you, you know,' the Doctor protested. 'And I might point out that River is technically also a Timelord.'

'Your point?' River replied with an arched eyebrow.

'Anyway,' the Doctor continued with a cough, 'my point is that that is why they're called nebulizers. They make things go all nebulous and vague and…' he ran out of words and started waving his hands around. 'stuff.'

'You must have been hit by a really strong one years ago,' Amy commented.

'Oi! I resent that.'

The sudden sound of the TARDIS coming to a halt put a temporary end to the conversation.

'Where are we?' Rory asked.

'Well, that's the thing,' the Doctor replied with a grin. 'The old girl here got hit by a couple too. So her readouts are being very, very vague so I don't know where we are at all!'

'What he means,' River explained, 'is that not only can he not steer this poor ship-'

'-Sexy-' the Doctor interjected.

'Thank you,' River replied and then continued without a pause. 'he is also unable to read what she is saying and therefore is pretending that he has an explanation that doesn't make him look like an idiot.'

'Failed on that count,' Rory commented.

'Oh, he always does,' River smiled.

'Oh, never mind all that!' the Doctor expostulated as he retook the conversation. 'Lets see where we are. Whole new world! Who knows what we'll find out there! It could be anything! Rivers of gold, mountains of diamonds, a star-speckled night like a cascade of sapphires, an alien race who walk on their hands, I've always wanted to meet something like that-'

'Earth, Cardiff, 2011, drizzling, November, four o'clock in the morning,' River interrupted from over by the scanner. 'And it's going to chuck it down in three- two- one- inow/i.'

Amy cracked open the door and saw a glimpse of rain splattered concrete and orange streetlights before the Doctor slammed it shut and almost trapped her fingers.

'My point,' the Doctor said, glaring at River, 'is that it COULD have been rivers of gold and mountain of diamonds.' He sounded slightly sulky.

She smiled at him.

'That's what you get for being so nebulous.'


	2. Chapter 2: A Stitch In Time

**AN:**** Yes, these are being posted a day late. No computer yesterday.**

**I actually started writing this for Merlin, but then I thought of the saying and... well I won't spoil it for you, but this was more or less unavoidable. So, here you go- Nine and Rose, because I miss Nine and it made it work, and Ten and Donna because I really do love Donna. Consider this a cracky (pun fully intended) one-shot to make up for lack-of-explaination in the current series about the damn things. Quote at the beginning is from the Vampires of Venice.**

**Sunday 04.09.11**

**Word: Aphorism _(A terse saying embodying a general truth, or astute observation)_**

**Universe: Doctor Who**

**Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose, Tenth Doctor, Donna, and the Cracks in Time.**

_"There were cracks. Some were tiny, some as big as the sky. Through some we saw Silence, and the end of all things."_

'…and what did they do about it? Absolutely nothing, that's what. Left me to clear up my own damn mess,' grumbled a voice. It was northern, despite the fact that its bearer came from a planet so far away that the whole concept of Earth north and south became utterly obsolete. The darkness of space gradually gave way to a tiny, flashing light which grew and grew until it became a bright blue police box, hanging in the void. As the box grew larger, it became clear that the doors were wide open, spilling out a warm glow into the depths of space. From the belly of the craft snaked a piece of rope, hanging in the zero-g from the moment it left the TARDIS doors. On the other end of the tether was a floating, leather-jacket clad, cantankerous Timelord. He was struggling with a piece of thread and a needle. It is surprisingly hard to thread a needle in zero-g. He jabbed viciously at the eye, and succeeded in missing completely. A few tries later, he had managed to re-thread the needle and was holding it in front of him, feeling at the space with utmost care. He felt the end of the needle catch on an invisible hook, shoved it forwards and began his stitch again. A thin, voracious complaint could be heard all the while, although given that space is a vacuum it could only be heard in the space between him and the TARDIS which was filled with enough air to support life. Or some kinds of oxygen breathing life, at least.

'… and I left myself to fix it! I could at least have helped out, it is my fault after all. I have better things to do than tidy up after myself. I could be eating bananas right now! Or chips.' The litany of complaints was cut off as he completed the last stitch and nodded. 'Rose!' he yelled. 'Pull me in!'

The rope began to retract. The Doctor floated patiently as he was reeled in.

'You're done here, yeah?' Rose appeared at the edge of the TARDIS and grabbed the Doctor's arm, pulling him in the last few feet.

'Yep. Tell you what, we can go get chips before the next one. How about that? I know this planet called Dalka, year 5546 AD, best chips you have ever tasted. They even sell banana flavoured ones, isn't that fantastic?' He grinned at her. 'And I can pick up some more of this stuff while we're there.' He held up the spool of thread, now half gone.

'Is that special, then, that stuff?' Rose asked, nodding at the thread.

'Oh yeah! This,' he said, brandishing the thread at her, 'is Resolute Thread. Strongest thread in the universe. They say it was made out of the stomach lining of the great Star Dragons, thousands of years ago.' He grinned. 'Only thing strong enough to sew up cracks in Time and Space.'

Rose nodded and shut the doors. 'Chips it is then.'

*LINEBREAK*****************

A few hours later, they were back at another- virtually indistinguishable- patch of space. The Doctor was stitching up another crack, keeping up a stream of invective against himself in about fifty languages. It was broken occasionally by the yelp and louder curse that followed the Doctor sticking himself with the needle. He was about halfway through this one when a very familiar VWORP, VWORP sound met his ears. He tried to spin around, but this has very interesting effects when you are floating in Space with nothing to brace yourself against and by the time he managed it an identical blue police box was floating through the void next to his and a skinny man in converse and a pinstripe suit was floating on a similar tether.

'Still at it, am I?' the younger Timelord asked gloomily.

'Oh, no, finished that ages ago! No, no, I'm here because I was already here. I saw myself do it, so I have to really. Not without Belgium happening again, wouldn't want that, so here I am. Wibbley Wobbley, Timey Wimey.' He finished up with an annoyingly chipper grin. The Doctor found himself giving himself a headache and wished he couldn't hear himself talk. He found that that sentence gave him even more of a headache and gave up.

'So why did you turn up in the first pla-' The northern accent was cut off as the crack suddenly flared white and flexed open a little further. The younger Doctor was dragged towards it and his arm, which had been holding the needle, disappeared up to the shoulder. He yelled in pain and tried to pull himself out.

'It's flaring! The two of us together, we're causing a time paradox! We're ripping it open even further!' the man in the pinstripe suit yelled. Rose stuck her head out of the TARDIS.

'Doctor? What's going on?' The leather-jacketed Timelord yelled back,

'Don't worry Rose! I'm going to fix it!' He winced. 'And I really hope I'm going to hurry up!'

'Yes, yes, alright, I'm hurrying,' said the older version of him testily. He ransacked his pockets, abandoning small objects into the void, and finally pulled out a needle and a spool of thread. The Doctor had by this time been sucked in even further, and his head was flattened against the area around the crack. His neck was beginning to burn.

His older self began stitching quickly, pulling the Crack closed. As it shortened, its pull lessened and the Doctor was able to pull himself away a little.

'Rose! Pull me back a bit!' he yelled over his shoulder. She did so and he emerged, little by little, from the crack. His older self continued the frantic stitching as he neared the Doctor, finally closing the end just as the Doctor's fingers were pulled out.

'There we go! All done,' he announced. 'That was interesting.'

'Interesting? We nearly got erased from history!' The Doctor was nursing his hand, burnt red raw by the energy of the Crack.

'Well, I saved you didn't I?'

'Yeah, but that thing wouldn't even have flared in the first place if you hadn't turned up!'

'Well I can't help that, can I? And you've got to go and do it now as well, since I have too.'

'Yeah, yeah, I know…'

'Wibbley Wobbley, Timey Wimey!' The Doctor announced with an ebullient grin. His younger self gave him a look that very clearly stated, _how on Gallifrey did I turn into this idiot._

'Fine,' he muttered. 'I forgot what a sour temper I had.' He raised his voice. 'Donna! Pull!'

A faint yell of, '_I _am_ pulling, spaceman!_' echoed back as the Doctor began to retract.

'Rose! Pull me in, would you?' The Doctor yelled over his shoulder. He thought he saw a look of sadness flash over his future face, but he was pulled back inside and the doors of the other TARDIS slammed shut. The sound of dematerialization floated into the other control room.

Back in the future TARDIS, the Doctor was flicking switches and pressing buttons with manic energy, although his smile looked suspiciously faked.

'So what was all that about then, Spaceman?' Donna asked.

'Oh, you know, inter-dimensional rift, nearly erased my self from history, that kind of thing. Not important.' He hit the TARDIS with the hammer by way of a finale and stood back as the engines juddered to a halt.

'So that was how you used to look?'

'Yup. Ninth body, that one. Bit odd, funny accent. No idea where it came from. And no hair either, boring that, I like hair. Still not ginger, but at least I have hair now.'

Donna gave him a Look.

'Well, at least you sorted it out. Avoided a problem the size of Belgium,' she said in her best Doctor-Mocking voice.

'Yup. No Belgium. Funny, though, I wonder why it's always Belgium. Maybe Belgium is actually part of some great big hole-in-the-universe conspiracy, that would explain a lot. I mean, the food there is out of this world. Have you tasted their chips? Or the chocolate, I like chocolate-'

Donna saw a rant ahead and decided to head him off at the pass.

'Yeah, well, that just goes to show, doesn't it?'

'Show what?' the Doctor asked in his usual you-stopped-my-babble hurt tone.

'That old saying my mum was always spouting. A stitch in Time saves Nine.'

**AN: I'm sorry. It was terrible, but I couldn't resist. I know it isn't strictly to do with Aphorism, but that is an aphorism so...**

**Also, cookies of you get the reference!**


	3. Chapter 3: Gammon

**AN:**** Classic series! Because I love the Seventh Doctor and Ace so very, very much :D This is technically a crossover, with my own novel-in-the-making Black Light, featuring the people of Caleb Two and Three but not the Doctor. It can be read on my FictionPress profile under the name TorchwoodWerewolf (shameless plug). Because I was really stuck for ideas with Gammon.**

**Tuesday 06.09.11**

**Word: Gammon (_To deceive; to win a game of Backgammon; a smoked/cured ham)_**

**Universe: Doctor Who**

**Characters: Seventh Doctor, Ace**

The TARDIS juddered to a halt and Ace grabbed the console to steady herself. The Doctor, annoyingly, remained upright and perfectly steady. He had probably had years of practise at adjusting to his rubbish driving.

'Where are we, Professor?'

The Doctor checked the read-out. 'We are on the planet of Caleb Three, Ace. It's an interesting world, I think you could benefit from meeting a few of the inhabitants.'

'Why?' Ace asked as she shrugged on her black jacket.

'They are all exceptionally gifted psychics. So be careful what you think!'

Ace rolled her eyes. She had a hard enough time controlling her voice, let alone her mind.

'Precisely,' the Doctor said. Ace looked at him.

'Professor, did you just-'

'-six PM, local time,' the Doctor added. Ace narrowed her eyes at him for a moment before heading to the doors. The Doctor donned his hat and picked up the umbrella, flicking the console switch for the doors. The great white slabs swung ponderously inwards, revealing an incredible vista.

'Wow,' Ace breathed. Through her time with the Doctor she had seen some incredible things, but this was pretty astonishing for a girl from Earth, England. The city was like a collection of glass bottles, soaring upwards from the ground far below. The sun glinted and gleamed on the huge metropolis, which stretched upwards like a giant arrow pointing to the sky. The spires of the buildings were shrouded in clouds. Between the huge structures wove thin ribbons of road, apparently unsupported. Over them moved skimming vehicles, like a cross between cars and planes, which swooped around the buildings like bees around a hive. They appeared and disappeared through holes in the sides of the buildings, which appeared to be nothing but specks, the distance and scale were so great. Ace found herself utterly overwhelmed. She stepped from the TARDIS onto the roadway, which was firm and solid beneath her feet. The Doctor followed, closing the doors behind him.

'Caleb Three?' She queried.

'Just a few star systems away from Earth! Imagine that,' the Doctor said as he strolled along. 'And only a few years into your future. It's around,' he checked his watch, '2011 now. Earth years, that is.'

Ace walked down the roadway, entranced with the beauty of the slim structures. Every now and then a car would zip past, buffeting them with a cool slipstream. They made their way deeper and deeper into the heart of the city.

:line:

A few hours later, Ace and the Doctor found themselves sprinting along the roadway at top speed, covering their heads with their hands. A few blasts of some acidic substance flew over their heads as they saw the TARDIS ahead and sprinted even faster.

'Doctor! What is going on?' Ace yelled as they drew close to safety.

'I'm not exactly sure Ace,' he muttered as he fiddled with the lock on the blue doors, 'but I think I may have made a slight error…'

'Slight?' Ace yelled as the doors swung open and they tumbled in, slamming the doors on the horde of insect-like creatures chasing them. Ace touched her shoulder, and her fingers came away wet with blood. She pulled off her jacket- which now sported a large hole- and began to clean out the wound using the TARDIS first aid kit. It was becoming a regular occurrence. 'We nearly died, Professor, they were squirting acid at us!'

'Yes, isn't it fascinating? They seem to have built up a natural immunity to the effects of Sulphuric Acid, to the extent that they actually secrete it in their tentacles!'

'Yeah, fascinating,' Ace muttered as she put a pad over the burn and turned to her jacket. It would need patching again. 'Didn't you say they were psychic? Surely they could tell we weren't trying to hurt them?'

'Ah, well, that is where I may have made a slight error.' The Doctor at least had the grace to look sheepish. 'It turns out that the psychics live on Caleb 2, not 3, and they happen to be currently going through a rather anarchic social breakdown due to some of the population objecting to the enslaving of the Calebites- a charming people whom we have just encountered. And, well, the people of Caleb Two are very humanoid…'

'So they tried to kill us because they thought we were slavers. Thanks, Doctor,' Ace said grumpily. 'But they were acting nice to start with, they gave us food and everything.'

'Yes, well, I'd assume they were trying to gammon us into eating drugged or poisoned food.'

'Gammon?'

'It's an old word meaning tricked, Ace. You should know that- it is your language, after all.'

Ace rolled her eyes. The Doctor stood back from the console and looked at the readings on the screen sceptically.

'I think we might depart now, Ace…'

'Really? Why?' She craned her neck to look at the screen. It was a completely incomprehensible readout to her.

'They, er, are throwing acid at the doors. It will ruin the paintwork,' the Doctor said, sounding irritated. He flicked a few switches and Ace grabbed onto the wall as the room lurched and the familiar sound of the engines filled the air.

'Let's try Caleb Two, shall we? A few years in the future, though, and they may have got rid of their dictator and restabilized society…'

The engines drowned out the rest of the Doctor's words.


	4. Chapter 4: Aplomb

**AN:**** Four, Romana and Adric this time- I'm certainly dotting around all over the place here. For some reason, though, I only seem able to write Doctor Who dailies. It's actually annoying. I really did try to write this for Merlin, but... Well, it seemed to work. Four and the crew because it seemed like a good idea at the time and who doesn't like Four and Romana? I appear to be the only person not hating Adric, though... *shutting up now***

**Wednesday 07.09.2011**

**Word: Aplomb (imperturbable poise and self assurance; upright)**

**Universe: Doctor Who**

**Characters: The Fourth Doctor, Adric, Romana**

The TARDIS heaved and lurched as the Doctor flicked at the controls irritably.

'Oh, do settle down, old girl,' he muttered. He flicked a switch and turned away, oblivious to Romana, who stepped across and flicked it back again. The TARDIS began to settle. The Doctor turned back to the console. 'See? What did I tell you?'

Romana rolled her eyes exasperatedly. Adric stifled a grin.

'Anyway, there's no need for you two to look like that. It's not that bad. I'm sure you can retain your aplomb; especially you, Romana, you seem to have some to spare.'

Adric looked curiously at the Doctor. 'Self- confidence?'

'What? Oh, yes, I suppose that is what it means as well.'

'As well?' Romana queried. The Doctor gave an ebullient grin and turned back to the console and began to flick the switches. His passengers grabbed for support in anticipation of the reckless driving. A particularly violent crash dislodged them and sent the entire TARDIS crew tumbling to the floor. A moment passed as the spaceship stabilized. The Doctor blew his scarf away from his face, realized that it was too heavy to do that, and pushed it away with one hand. He flashed a mad grin at the others.

'Upright,' he announced as he sprang to his feet.

'Pardon?' Romana asked as she pushed herself up.

'Aplomb! It means upright!' he yelled as he danced around the console. Adric grabbed the wall as he stood upright, only to be thrown down again as the TARDIS lurched once more. Romana grabbed the Doctor's arm.

'Doctor! If you wish to retain your _aplomb_, kindly cease pressing buttons! We're caught in a temporal grav-loop, there's no way you're getting out by activating the retro-stabilizers.'

The Doctor gave her a somewhat sulky look.

'You should know, Romana, that I am always self-confident! I have no need to regaining it.'

Romana ground her teeth in frustration at his childish antics and set about escaping the temporal grav-loop.

**Very short, this one. Although I did manage both definitions... And I have no idea what a temporal grav-loop or a retro stabilizer is. I just made it up. In case anyone was wondering (you weren't).**


	5. Chapter 5: Bleb & The Rani

**AN:****Oh gosh, it's been ages, I'm ashamed of myself. Look, I... was saving the world? A slitheen ate my homework?**

**Yeah. Anyway, here you go. A random and not-very-amusing story about the Rani, the 11th Doc and co.**

**25.1.12**

**Word: Bleb (a bubble; a blister on the skin; a bulge on a cell surface)**

**Universe: Doctor Who**

**Characters: The Doctor (11), River, Amy and Rory (and the Rani, technically)**

The TARDIS was spinning through the vortex, slowly dancing through the streams of time, flitting past like ribbons.

Inside were an uncharacteristically serious Timelord and several humans. Well. Mostly humans.

'Well?' Amy demanded with her arms crossed. The Doctor ignored her. 'Aren't you going to _tell _us what made you rush off like that?'

'Yeah, if you're going to get us into trouble again we really ought to know what it's about,' Rory said, watching the Doctor spinning around the console, piloting it with determination. 'Or not, you know,' he added as the Timelord spun past him.

'Look, if you're going to drag _my _daughter into danger, you're going to tell me what it is,' Amy demanded. River, on the other side of the console, rolled her eyes and flicked a few switches.

The Doctor swung past, pulling a lever. River hauled it back to its original position as she said, 'You know, she has a point, sweetie.'

'You explain, then,' the Doctor said in frustration. 'I'm busy.'

'Basically,' River said as she corrected the Doctor's navigation, 'he's sulking.'

'I could see that,' Amy commented.

'Oi!' The Doctor halted in front of River. 'I am _not_ sulking.'

'Yes you are,' River said.

'No, I am not.'

'What are you doing, then?'

The Doctor straightened his bowtie in affront. 'It's far too difficult for you _humans_ to comprehend.'

'Timelord sulks,' River said in a stage whisper. 'Can last for centuries.'

'River,' the Doctor said warningly.

'What? You are sulking,' she said with a superior air.

'Fine, so maybe I am a bit upset. I've got a good reason!' The Doctor suddenly moved away from River and swung himself down a layer, to poke at the TARDIS some more.

'What good reason is that then?' Amy wondered. There was no reply.

'Oh, come on, Doctor, don't try and be melodramatic about it. Just tell us,' Rory contributed.

'Fine.' The Doctor's head popped up over the edge of the floor. He spoke very quickly without taking a single breath. 'We're following the woman who was trying to destroy the earth using advanced transubstantiation protocols installed in the satellites I was monitoring they were using lasers to manipulate the subatomic makeup of the planet which I was warned about by those very nice people on Alpha Centuri Ceta who were looking the right way and noticed that the emission spectra had shifted towards the Au segment meaning what River Song?'

'She was turning the planet into gold,' River said with an eyeroll.

'Good well done go to the top of the class have a fez, fezzes are better than bananas. Anyway, she was turning the entire planet into gold because she needed it to repel the Cybermen since she had decided to set up base on Mondas, the reason being that Mondas has vital chemical components in its soil found nowhere else in the galaxy, therefore the life that had evolved there needed it to survive, therefore she couldn't go offworld with them, and she needed the native creatures for her experiments since they naturally process the soil chemicals and turn them into a very valuable, very rare substance called _time gold_.'

'Time gold? What's wrong with regular gold?' Amy asked sceptically.

'It's not really gold at all. It's a kind of crystal which, in sufficient quantities, gives the holder the power to turn back time. It's said to be magical, to bestow long life, to grant immortality,' River said softly.

'Yes, except that that's almost all wrong,' the Doctor continued. 'It's a gold-y coloured crystal which, because of the natural arrangement of the atoms, manages in a very complicated way to reverse the basic order of time and pierce the fabric of reality, giving access to the Time Vortex in a different direction to a TARDIS. I can't track it, I can't follow it. It's on a different plane of existence. Meaning…' he looked to River again.

'It can break the Time Lock. It can bring back Gallifrey,' River finished. Her voice was heavy.

'Did you understand any of that?' Rory asked Amy in a whisper.

'Some,' she replied under her breath.

'So,' the Doctor continued. 'We're going to Mondas, which is inhabited by homicidal robotic lifeforms, to find the last Timelord apart from me, to prevent her from breaking the barriers of Space and Time to bring back my home planet. Any questions?'

'Only about a million,' Rory deadpanned.

The Doctor gave him a very _old_ look. 'Well, it's going to take the old girl a while to lock onto the signal of her TARDIS and follow it- been a long time since she's done that- so you may as well start with the questions.'

Rory and Amy looked at each other nervously. Amy spoke up. 'Well… I thought you were the last Timelord.'

'So did I,' the Doctor replied in a low voice.

'So who…' Amy began.

'She's called the Rani,' River informed her. The "archaeologist" swung the TARDIS display screen around to show a picture of a woman with bushy hair and an evil looking smirk.

'Yeah, I can't read that, it's in Gallifreyan,' Amy pointed out.

'Oh, right,' River said. She tapped a few buttons and the text shifted into English.

_The Rani. Formerly known as Ushas. Specialities: Biochemistry, world domination. Extremely dangerous. Species: Timelord. Known regenerations: One._

'She was more careful with her regenerations that him over there,' River said, indicating the Doctor. 'She's only on her fourth now, by the looks of things.'

'You've met her before, then?' Rory asked.

'Well, in a way. We were at school together,' the Doctor replied. 'Didn't see her for a few millennia, you know how it is, then we met up a couple of times- fight to the death, saving the world from her experiments, the usual.'

'Wait, you went to school?' Amy said incredulously.

'You wouldn't think it, would you?' River said.

'Yes, alright, thank you. I graduated perfectly normal, amazing when you consider everyone else in my year tried to destroy the world at least once.'

'Definitely maladjusted,' Rory murmured.

'So what was this, Megalomaniac Academy? Specializing in Universe Destruction?' Amy said flippantly.

The Doctor laughed. 'Given the teachers, you'd think so. My last teacher attempted to take over Gallifrey and become immortal, and to kill all five of me.'

'All _five_ of you?' Amy said sceptically.

'Long story, don't have time. Ah!' The Doctor turned to the console as it pinged loudly. 'She's found it! She's found the Rani's trail!'

He turned to the mostly-human family with a grin. 'Hold on tight. This could get a little bump-woah!' He was thrown sideways as the TARDIS shook. Amy and Rory had already grabbed the railings, and River was holding the console.

The Doctor stuck his head up and pulled the screen around. 'We're getting there! C'mon, you can do it, Sexy!'

River rolled her eyes and pulled a few of the closer levers. The motion decreased slightly as she made her way around the console, soothing the time machine.

'Doctor!' she yelled over the noise of the engine.

'I know!' he yelled back, pointing at the display. It had switched back to Gallifreyan and Amy couldn't make head nor tail of it.

'Are you sure she can cope?' River yelled.

'She's done it plenty of times! Well, once. Well. Maybe. But she'll be fine, won't you old girl?' the Doctor shouted, patting the console. He was thrown to the ground again by a particularly violent jolt. Amy and Rory were pulled away from the rails and flung to the floor. River landed on the Doctor, knocking the wind out of him.

The TARDIS was still, as if that last jolt had been a rough landing. The gentle hum of the engines relaxing was drowned by the complaining of the travellers. Rory helped Amy to her feet in concern.

'You OK?' he asked her.

'Yes, fine. You alright?' she replied quietly.

'No problem. How did the Doctor pass his driving test again?'

'He cheated,' River muttered. She pushed herself up, kneeling next to the Doctor. 'The idiot. He's managed to knock himself out again.'

'_Again?_' Amy said worriedly as she knelt beside her daughter.

'He does that a lot,' River said with exasperation. 'Don't worry, he'll be up and about in no time. Usually he just-'

The Doctor sprung upright so quickly that he seemed to just vanish. He landed on his feet and began to dash around the TARDIS console, fiddling with instruments and checking the readouts.

'-does that,' River finished as she stood up. 'Calm down, sweetie.'

'Good, she's fine. Knew you could make it. Well done,' the Doctor said as he patted the central column. 'Still got it, hey?'

'_Doctor,_' River said loudly. He turned around.

'Oh! Yes, hello. You're alright, good.'

'Sometimes I think he should have married that TARDIS,' River muttered. 'He pays more attention to it.'

The hum of the console increased.

'I know, dear, I was only joking,' River said as she crossed to the console. 'Yes, yes, alright. No, I know. I said sorry for that.' She paused. 'Yes, fine. Isn't he just, though? I agree!'

'Are you gossiping about me? With my TARDIS?' the Doctor demanded. River smiled sweetly and said nothing.

Rory coughed. 'Hate to interrupt the domestics, you three. Two. Whatever. But, um, where actually are we?'

'Mondas, right?' Amy said confidently.

'Um. No,' the Doctor said sheepishly.

'No?' Amy asked.

'No. We're in a bleb,' the Timelord said.

'A what now?' Amy asked.

'A _bleb_? But that's a form of skin condition. You're saying we're in some kind of… temporal blister?' Rory said slowly.

'No. But if it helps, yes. But no. A bleb is a bubble.'

'So is this another bubble universe, then?' Amy said nervously, looking around. 'That house thing isn't here, is it?'

'No, House was a location-specific lifeform. This bleb is a lot more dangerous,' the Doctor said seriously.

'That's never good. When he thinks something's dangerous, that means it's going to destroy the universe,' Rory mumbled.

'The bleb isn't dangerous in itself,' River clarified. 'Normally it would just sit here and exist. But the Rani has taken over this one. He was wrong, again. The _entry_ to the bubble universe is on Mondas, and so is the Time Gold, but she's building her gateway to the past in here.'

'The walls of reality are thin here,' the Doctor said. 'Easier to punch through.'

'So we have to stop her from breaking the walls of reality?'

'Right. We can't allow her to complete the gate. If she brings Gallifrey back, it will destroy this planet and ruin the space-time continuum. History will collapse. If the Timelock breaks, everything comes back- not just Gallifrey, not just the Timelords. The Daleks will return, and Skaro will continue to menace all of creation. Then there are the soldiers, the weapons. Any one of them could destroy worlds. Maybe all worlds. The Nightmare King, the Mutant Possibles, the Stareaters, the Great Vampires that Rassilon banished so long ago. Everything,' the Doctor said hoarsely. 'Gallifrey can never come back. Not ever. My race, my people are not worth the entire universe's death.'

There was a moment of silence.

'Right, then' Amy said as brightly as she could. 'Let's go stop her.'

'Just how were you going to do that?' Rory asked in concern.

River grinned. 'It's time to do what the Doctor does best.'

'Make things up?' Amy asked.

'Get lost?' Rory offered.

'Be incredible?' the Doctor said hopefully, straightening his lapels.

'No, no and maybe.' River raised an eyebrow. 'It's time to save the Universe.'

* * *

><p><strong>Too long. Not funny. Bleh.<strong>

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